Saturday 30th May 2009, 12:56
My first honeymoon
Okay, probably only honeymoon. But it was so nice it might just be worth getting married again just to have another. After most nice holidays you come back disappointed it's over - after this one we came back determined to get back to work quickly to earn enough to go straight back there again...
Anyway, after a lovely post-wedding day lunch and beer drinky with Zoe's parents in the villagette of Peaslake, we were driven by a lovely chap from the hotel called Peter to Gatwick. Didn't even need a taxi. Bless his cottons. Then we flew from Gatwick to Meeru in the Maldives. And yes, a bit of honeymoon upgradage went on - in fact our seats were 1A and 1B. You can't get nearer the front without flying the plane.
A long flight, through the night, made more interesting by one fella a few seats behind having a nightmare - he woke up, stood up and shouted, "Watch out! Watch out!" Which trust me - you don't want to hear on a plane in the middle of the night (or any time). What was laughable (after we'd all calmed down) was that a full minute later, the front curtain went back and a stewardess appeared, asking, "Everything alright?" in a very cheery manner. That's how they train them to respond in the event of a possible terrorist attack on an international flight: finish your conversation with the other stewardess, have a sip of tea, then vaguely query that the supposed terrorist is alright back there.
Meeru itself was lovely, if a tad equatorial for my skin-tone, but hey, factor 50 was invented for a reason. That reason is me. We got the exact room we were after - and I don't want to make you sick here, so let's just get this out of the way... a jacuzzi water villa on stilts with a balcony, steps into the ocean and a sunset view over the sea. There. If it's any consolation... no, I can't think of anything bad about it. Alright, the TV didn't have Comedy Central. I really had to reach for that as a bad point.
The island is one entire resort - you can walk around it in 30 minutes, or a few hours if you stop at all five bars. Yay to the all-inclusive cocktail of the day, but no no no to their tendency to be 90% creme de menthe. The food was marvellous - waffles and noodles being particularly worthy of mention. Had a couple of nice meals at the 'Asian Wok' too - Teppanyaki, where the chef juggles food as he cooks it in front of you, and a Chinese Steamboat Fondue, which is the complete opposite, ie. no chef - you cook it yourself, at your table, with a big bowl of boiling water and some raw ingredients. Nice. And potentially dangerous thanks to the raw chicken, but we lived.
People wonder if you can get bored on a small island like this, but there's a bunch of excursions - a snorkelling lesson (I failed - I insisted on wearing my glasses, which lets in a lot of water it turns out), some kayaking round the island, a bit of dolphin-watching (they leapt and everything), some night-fishing (I caught four fish, including one 18-inch jack-fish, which we ate an hour later. We called him Bob. I felt like a proper hunter-gatherer, catching dinner for my wife. Grr.)
Also a trip to neighbouring island Diffushi - quite a stark comparison when you see how real Maldivians live. Most sleep outside cos it's too hot inside without the luxury of aircon that we had. Lovely little wise guru man who was about three foot tall but you could tell spoke in phrases like "Ah, the idiot cook raw chicken in boiling water. Feel bad next three days."
Other things of note:
- I did notice the loo-rolls are split into much smaller segments than UK loo-rolls. I think cos Maldivians are smaller people, so have smaller bottoms.
- Plenty of Brits we met over there, especially Bernadette and John from Leeds who somehow knew everyone on the island. It's the cheery northern thing.
- Three times we saw jumping fish - about 10 or so leap out of the water three or four times in a row. Very cool, but never caught it on camera of course. Either they were being chased by sharks, or just wanted a bit of sun.
- Oh yes, the sharks, or more importantly, the stingrays. we did get a little spooked by these, especially when Bernadette and John from Leeds kept pointing at where we'd just been swimming and saying, "Ooh look, a manta ray - that's the one that killed Steve Irwin." We didn't do much swimming after that.
- Our waiter was a lovely chap called Ali, and there was a very cool little man who served us drinks in the bar all the time. Weirdly, as their all Muslim (by law, in the Maldives), they're all serving drinks they've never tasted (yeah, right).
- Did a treasure hunt one day for Zoe around the island. That was nice (and to be honest an excuse to go into the five bars again).
- Read a bunch of books: Stephen King's Cell, The Year of Living Biblically, and Zoe read The Kite Runner. So zombies, the Bible and gritty Afghanistan. Put those three together, you get an amazing book.
- A lot of fellas suddenly walking into the bar in speedos. Aka banana hammocks. Aka something you all notice but no one likes to talk about. It's the elephant in the room. Sometimes literally.
Scuse the lengthy post (another word for speedos) - had to log (another word for speedos) it for posterity. Home now. Less exotic blog posts will resume, probably about Hull or Runcorn or Milton Keynes, or wherever else occurs in the life of a travelling comic. Please please please will someone set up a gig on the Maldives. I'll gladly be resident compere.