Wednesday 23rd December 2009, 15:19
A Christmas gift from me to you (I've kept the receipt)
I done a nativity for a bit of a jolly, so I blog it here for you as a Christmas gift. What have you got me? Nothing? That's about even then. Happy Christmas...!
A CHRISTMAS PANTO NATIVITY CAROL, by Paul Kerensa (aged 30+11/12ths)
Long time ago in Bethlehem, so the Holy Bible say, Mary’s boy child Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day.
The Angel Peter Gabriel came to visit Mary, and said, “I wanna be – hurrrrrrrrh! – your sledgehammer!”
And Mary interpreted this as meaning she would have a child from God and call him The Baby Jesus.
Joseph came along and the angel scarpered, as Joseph voice was heard. “Fe, fi, fo, fangel! I smell the blood of an archangel!”
And Mary told Joseph of the news and what was to come, and after an hour or several of convincing, including trying to track down CCTV footage of the angel – to no avail – Joseph believed her. But he thought, “If this happens again, I’m getting in Jeremy Kyle’s lie detector.”
At this time, there was a census taken across the land, and so every man had to return to his place of birth. This really annoyed, for example, an Egyptian family who’d taken years to emigrate to Turkey, but needs must. So Joseph took all that he owned: Mary and a donkey, and rode to Bethlehem, on one of them.
Meanwhile, there were three wise men: the wise man of Christmas past, the wise man of Christmas present, and the wise man of Christmas future. Since Christmas hadn’t happened yet, the wise man of Christmas was actually a simpleton. The wise man of Christmas present was kept having the feeling something big was about to happen. And the wise man of Christmas future knew all about what was going to happen, as well as the eventual growing commercialism of Christmas, beginning with Dickens inventing turkey, Coca-Cola inventing Santa, and Simone Cowell inventing the Queen’s Official Singalong Karaoke Christmas Message, from the year 2018 onwards.
While they were waiting for Christmas to happen, the wise men decided to follow a star to find the newborn baby. But they were intervened by Evil King Herod, who was busy trying to write his Christmas speech to the nation, when he had suddenly started to wonder why he was doing a speech every year, and how he’d do anything to get out of it. It occurred to Herod that if he killed the baby, there would be no Christmas and no Christmas speech. He only did the speech because the wise man of Christmas future told him to get in early, so he summoned the wise men and told them to report back to him when they had found the baby. The wise men said they would, but they decided that actually they wouldn’t, just to see the look on Herod’s face. It would be a picture.
As Joseph, the donkey, and finally Mary (women’s rights weren’t what they are now) all approached Bethlehem for the census, it appeared that there were more people from Bethlehem than there were places to stay there. Obviously, because whenever anyone left, someone else would move in, so you get through a lot of people living there, with no new housing developments. There was an inn, however – not a Premier Travel Inn, not even a Days Inn. More of a Travelodge. Basic, no cooked breakfast – just continental. Check-out from nine, only terrestrial channels on the TV. Even the tea- and coffee-making facilities lacked any biscuits. But Joseph, the donkey and Mary would see none of this anyway – no pets.
So the Travelodgekeeper turned the 3 – soon to be 4 – of them away. But then Joseph spied a stable around the back, and asked if they could stay there. The Travelodgekeeper looked at the shack Joseph was gesturing at, and realised he was pointing at the VIP suite. Yes, it had straw and animal dung on the floor, but it was the best that Travelodge got. So the Travelodgekeeper sent them there, since to be honest the entire hotel was empty as no one wanted to stay there.
And it was there that the baby Jesus was born, and named ‘the baby Jesus’, or as Joseph continued to call him till his 3rd birthday, Joseph Junior, just to make a point.
In the neighbouring fields, while shepherds watched their flock by night, all seated on the ground – it’s not clear if the shepherds were seated on the ground, or the flock was, but either way, all got up with a start when a host of angels appeared. And the angels greeted them, “Hello!” they said. And the shepherds were sore amazed. The soreness was because they were seated on the ground. The amazed bit was definitely because of the angels, who continued: “You must go to David’s town to pay tribute to the newborn king.” And the shepherds set off for St David’s in west Wales. “No, come back!” said the host of angels. “Not St David’s. David’s town.” So the shepherds began to book flights for Davidstown, North Carolina. “Stop!” said the hostess of angels. “See that there dusty straw room down there? Well therein lies the newborn king.”
“Oh,” said the shepherds. “That’s easier.”
And the hostess of angels with the mostess of angels turned to the other angels and mumbled something rude about the shepherds. The hostess turned back to the field of shepherds and lambs, and announced: “You must bring a gift to worship. Take one of those animals, kill it, and present it as an offering.” And sure enough, one of the lambs went and killed a shepherd. “No, not you!” spake the co-host of angels, who was more of a sidekick. “He was talking to the shepherds.”
“Ohhh,” said the lambs, who were then killed by the shepherds and brought to the Travelodge. Just as they got there, the wise men of Christmas past, present and future all appeared from the other direction. “Oh, were you going to go in?” said a shepherd.
“Yes,” said the wise man of Christmas present. “We’ve travelled a long way, weighed down by this job lot of gold, frankincense and myrrh.”
The chief shepherd replied, “Oh. Well any chance we can go in first? That gold is really going to trump what we’ve got: some bleeding animal carcass.”
And the wise man of Christmas present whacked the shepherd over the head with the gold bar, and the shepherd fell to the ground with a comedy lump and a circle of tweeting birds.
The wise man of Christmas future, who was holding the frankincense, said, “Frankly, I’m incensed.” And all the wise men laughed and laughed. During which time, the other shepherds snuck in.
Inside the stable, Joseph, the baby Jesus, the donkey, and Mary, were all laying in the manger. Well Mary wasn’t – she was standing now her work was done. And in came the shepherds with their recently slaughtered lambs. Joseph asked, “What is this you bring?”
“Oh, nothing,” said the shepherd. “Just some lamb. Does the little lad like lamb? We can puree it.”
“I’m not sure,” said Joseph. A cot might have been nice, or a pram. We’ve got to push him round for a year in this manger. It hasn’t even got any wheels. Lucky I’m a carpenter. And to be honest it’s a shame you killed the lamb – we could have put him on that.”
The shepherds looked down at the lamb in shame. “It’s halal, if it helps.”
“What?!” Joseph exploded.
“I mean, erm, kosher. It’s koshalal – a new mix of the two. And circumcised.”
“Do you not see,” said Joseph, “that this child is born to replace the old law of ritual and works to please God? This child fulfils and yet at the same time supersedes the law so that you may be saved by faith alone.” But such theology was lost on the shepherd, who just said, “Wha-?” For he still had a bump on his head.
The wise men came in, and delivered their presents of gold, frankincense and myrrh. That helped cover up the smell of rotting lamb in the corner. But at least it’s better than the smell of many Travelodge rooms.
And so the next day, presumably, Joseph registered for that census that he’d come to Bethlehem for, but that never gets mentioned again in the Bible. And he presumably kept very quiet about the baby so that evil King Herod wouldn’t find out. And they all moved to Nazareth and lived happily ever after, for a bit.
The end, for now...